Volcano Woman
Updated: Jun 14, 2022
Creative Self Care and the Discovery of the Inner Fire
If you are new here and you brushed across the "About Me" page, you saw that I am a woman who goes by many nicknames. I also fit into many sub categories within the branches of my family tree, extended family and bonus family. Step-sister, Half-sister, Step-mom are just a few of the titles I have been gifted. So it's not surprising to me that I have a gift of observation and exploration of life's intersections, the middle ground and the gray.
Fault Lines
“It is said that flowers will spring from the cooling lava flows of a volcano, almost overnight" — Chani Nicholas
It is a strange thing to be born a person of two individuals who grew apart. Me at the center of the fault line...the Volcano, not the Mountain. My mother always says divorce and separation is like burning embers at the end of hot fire. There are always hot coals and all it takes is one little match strike or disturbance and the flame starts back up again. If that is true, then I would imagine the eruptions helped to form all sides of me.
Dormancy: I Need a Forest Fire
“I believe that a healthy sharing of oneself is a holy call, but so is caring for ourselves and taking time for the beautiful mysteries God created within us. The important thing is balance. Being a martyr distorts the virtuous ideal of giving to others by crossing over into victim postures and a self-denial that squelches selfhood and the creative life of the soul.”
― Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Life's Sacred Questions
There are many metaphors for times in our lives that we decide to retract, descend, enter into the cocoon. I am a person that has had struggles with Depression and its twisted sister Anxiety. So needless to say there have been many instances in my life where I have been frozen within my own internal landscape. It would be all too obvious to begin my reference here to the pandemic... the collective pause. However something far greater was happening. In my mid 30's I made the conscious decision that I wanted to become a Mother. With success also came a series of deaths. Death of the maiden I was and the seedlings of the Mother I was becoming. Death of the joy new parents experience when they announce a pregnancy. Death of the masculine energy I felt so safe in within my body and spirit. Just to name a few.
It was evident in the books I was reading, the things that were happening within me and around me, and even the message in song I was hearing in my ears. If you follow this blog, you may also find it helpful to follow my playlist linked below. It is not uncommon for me to get a "download" from an auditory sense, a lyric, or a quote. It's one of my greatest love languages and my most loved connection to the divine. Songs that came to me during this time included:
Slow Burn: Kacey Musgraves
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room: John Mayer
I Need a Forest Fire: James Blake and Bon Iver
When I discovered James Blake and Bon Iver's song, I looked up the lyrics and song meaning as I often do. I also came across the video. I pulled this quote from NPR's take on the song meaning:
My body was also on fire and a butterfly-shaped organ was growing on the outside of my throat.
Inner Fire
“When the power comes from within us and we claim it as our own, then we no longer have to affirm ourselves by dominating others. The irony is that we are actually afraid of our own power "
— Marion Woodman, Dancing in the Flames: The Dark Goddess in the Transformation of Consciousness
Silver linings are tough to discover when one becomes a fertility patient. But if there is one silver lining it was my discovery that my internal landscape needed to burn to the ground in order to make space for another human being. I like to think of the Aspen Trees that are common in dry mountainous areas that are also prone to forest fire as part of the natural cycles. They are the first to sprout after a forest fire and even more interesting the white dust on the outside of their bark offers a natural sunscreen. They are in fact a "Fire Adapted"species. I learned from @MaiaToll's oracle deck that Populus tremuloides also known as Quaking Aspen, are found in groves because they grow in what's called a clonal colony with underground suckers that spout new trees. That they are all rooted within an unseen network and are all connected. In order to live a life without fear of the death surrounding me, I had to be more like an Aspen...as above, so below. In order to be adapted to life's forest fires one has to discover ways to root-in and embrace natures life>death>life cycles.
The discovery of the volcano nature in me came from an astrologist by the name of @LuizaLacava. A couple of my girlfriends and I set up a Natal Chart Reading with Luiza and she covered our individual traits as well as our friendship. Astrology had always been a curiosity of mine, I enjoy the technical and historical aspects of it and I am also a big fan of anything that can help you learn to deepen communication with those around you. I had always understood my sun sign, but never explored other aspects of my chart such as my moon and my rising sign. Luiza was explaining to me that my sun sign Capricorn is often associated with the earth and more specifically the mountain. She went on to explain that I do enjoy a summit here and there but with my rising sign being in Sagittarius (associated with the element of fire) I am more likely the Volcano, not the mountain. She continued...you need to make sure you find ways to creatively express, or the Volcano will certainly erupt. Luiza is a podcast guest, links will be provided when her episode is live!
I have vowed to myself to find ways in which to creatively express that which needs to move through. Thank you for listening.
With Love and Gratitude,
Ali
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