Untying Knots
Updated: May 24, 2022
How a Journey to Detox from Social Media and a Thirst for Connection Led to the Discovery of My Own Voice.
Welcome to my very first blog post. Thank you for being here. I never quite understood blogging vs. bragging until I felt the pull and started being honest with myself. Was I jealous? Was I projecting? Absolutely. What I do know to be true is that writing is a catharsis, a way to untie the knots in my head, but it also connection. Words transcend. Words are powerful and healing.
Social Detox
“Boundaries are internal and external” ~ Allison Bobb
After my husband and I's fertility struggle eclipsed a year, I decided it was time to shield myself from social media bombarding me with pregnancy announcements and targeted ads. I also decided it was time to start living a life of less consumption and more creation. After-all I had a stash of books I had bought, but never finished and continued to purchase books and add to the "unread" bedside collection. When I did this I found myself having so much more time to listen to podcasts, audio books, read actual books, and write in my journal. Though I fully admit, there were withdrawals and literal ticks to check my phone at any down moment. The pull of the algorithm and the dopamine response is powerful my friends.
“I say the universe speaks to us, always, first in whispers. And a whisper in your life usually feels like 'hmm, that's odd.' Or, 'hmm, that doesn't make any sense.' Or, 'hmm, is that right?' It's that subtle. And if you don't pay attention to the whisper, it gets louder and louder and louder. I say it's like getting thumped upside the head. If you don't pay attention to that, it's like getting a brick upside your head. You don't pay attention to that—the brick wall falls down. That is the pattern that I see in my life and so many other people's lives. And so, I ask people, 'What are the whispers? What's whispering to you now?" — Oprah”
Whispers & Gateways
My teachers say it often happens in 3's. If you notice something nudging you 3 times (or more), it's time to start paying attention. For me this sometimes comes in the form of little tiny gateway "drugs".
Now I grew up in the Catholic Faith, so I used to think anything "witchy" was a Sin. Seriously though, I thought I was going to Hell for playing Ouija board when I was a little girl! So it was odd that I felt compelled to purchase a book from @MaiaToll that came with an Oracle Deck called The Herbiary from an independent bookstore in Wisconsin. I am a plant person after all and believe in the medicinal power of plants, so I figured it was harmless. I got the idea from a podcast by @EmilySchromm, a badass fitness and nutrition expert turned entrepreneur. Her podcast is called #MeatheadHippie. Her podcast was also a gateway "drug", that introduced me to lifestyle changes that nurture the mind, body, and soul. I was drawn to Emily as I always admired women who loved to be strong, but also are still in tune with their feminine side. And she like myself drank the #crossfit #coolaide at a stage in our lives.
The third gateway "drug" was my Neighbor turned, Workout Buddy, turned Podcast Co-host Tina. Unlike myself Tina has Polish witchy beginnings and this particular language and lingo was part of her life already. She was someone I could speak to about the changes I was going through. She also taught me how to use a pendulum. Did I go off the deep end...Maybe? All of these tools combined were a way to checkin with myself and tune into my own intuition, to help untie the knots tangled in my mind. They became even more important to me during times of uncertainty and helped me throughout the pandemic. Yes, at one point during lockdown I was pulling cards on the floor of my closet!
Projection
Through Emily's podcast I came to know one of my teachers @stephjagger. She is a coach, a memoirist, and a harbinger, head to her site to see what that means! I did an exercise through her signature coaching program called The Great Big Journey and was guided by Steph and my amazing coach Geraldine DeBraune. Stay tuned for both of their episodes on the podcast! Within the exercise, you were to write down a list of at least 3 people you admire and why. It's a coaching tool to get a glimpse into what an ideal lifestyle or career would look like for you. Who is it that you are putting on a pretty pedestal and why can't that be you? Steph and Emily were on my list by the way.
I began to notice that I had gathered a collection of books and an even larger list of "want to read" books on shelves of my @goodreads app. Typically the books my my shelves were written in the style of memoir, self help, or spirituality. The author with the largest stack on my selves was Sue Monk Kidd. Those closest to me know, I developed a slight obsession with Sue and her writing. My favorites include The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, When the Heart Waits, and her Mother/Daughter co-written Memoir Traveling With Pomegranates. I have passed her book When the Heart Waits to others who struggle with fertility and it has become a sort of Sisterhood of the Traveling Book.
One day in the shower (don't all breakthroughs happen in the shower?) I was playing with some new ways to pray that were a little more casual than the typical begging and pleading prayers I was used to. I heard a whisper of a prayer in my mind saying "help me find my voice". Though it wasn't until Steph's most recent memoir Everything Left to Remember landed in my lap and I pulled the card above that I realized... wait a minute... I REMEMBER as a little girl I loved to write. There it was "Remember". A word that has whispered throughout my life in the form of a poem my Grandfather left us, the name my family gave to a horse with a heart shaped star on his head. And then I realized that I was projecting all this time both in the positive sense and in the negative sense. There were podcast hosts, bloggers, and authors I "unfollowed" because it just bothered me that they were having so much fun. And then there was "Saint Sue Monk" who I has put on a very high pedestal and just loved how she traveled the world, wrote about her experiences, and seemed to be very selective in her public appearances. It was all there right in front of me and even within my "Following" lists.
I felt it all fall into place. Here we are now, untying the knots together. Thank you for being here.
With Love and Gratitude,
Ali
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